A Typical Work Day

Two friends working on fixing up a bathroom discuss all that any men discuss- the deeper things of life. Such moments span the millennia and will never cease to be so long as their counterparts continue as they always have; namely to be women, or a mystery. This mystery brings about varied discussions and experiences.

Joe: You ever notice how when you like someone sometimes you ignore them on purpose- at least at first. Why is that?
Henry: I don’t know. I guess it’s because there’s so much at stake. You like em’ you wanna make a good impression and so you don’t talk to em’ because it’s a defense mechanism.
Joe: That makes sense. There’s this girl I knew once, lovely as could be but I could never bring myself to talk or look at her. She was amazing. Guys were on her like bees to honey, all wanting some nectar.
Henry: Yeah… but to her they were like a buger in her hand that she just couldn’t shake.
Joe: Exactly. I didn’t talk to her, hit on her or nothing. I guess I was hoping that somehow she’d notice me.
Henry: Oh I’m sure she noticed you. Can you hand me the sledge?
Joe: How do you know?
Henry: She probably wanted you to talk to her- everyone else was trying too hard and you- you didn’t try at all. You were a mystery to her.
Joe: Maybe, I dunno. All I know is she was something and I did nothing. I just couldn’t bring myself to say anything. Who knows maybe she would’ve ended up being some type of crazy once you had her alone.
Henry (hammering): No, crazies come to me; I have some untold power of attracting all sorts of nutters.
Joe: Oh yeah?
Henry: You have no idea. For example, I’ll use the last girl I was attracted to. We were off then on, more off than on and we were flirting like usual. So I say to her, ‘well, I’m just gonna go ahead and kiss you now.’ She turns white as a ghost and floats towards the kitchen as she says to me, “Can you hold on a second.” I’m fine with that and wondering why she’s going to the kitchen. Was I too forward? Was she going to get a knife and ask me to leave?
Joe: Well what happened?
Henry: She went strait to the sink…and started blowing chunks.
Joe (laughing): You gotta be kidding me?
Henry: How I wish I was, but no. She goes on and vomits real nice and good. She comes back to me, apologizes and gives me five hugs or so. Part of me thought, “Well you could still kisser.”
Joe: Gross.
Henry: But the better part of me said, ‘that’s kinda sick.' So I said to her, ‘Well that moment kinda got shot in the face…like when Bambi’s Mom died, so I’m gonna go head home.' I left somewhat pissed but laughed it off later.
Joe: That sucks for you but man that’s funny. So have you since tried to kiss her?
Henry: No, I figured it was divine intervention. I was not meant to kiss that woman.
Joe: well at least you didn’t start kissing her and then have her throw-up on you.
Henry: Right, that’s what everyone tells me. I figure the next worse thing that could happen to me is to have a girl crap her pants by having her just make eye contact with me (Henry acts out the situation) She’d be like, ‘I don’t know what it was but the sight of you just made me lose all control over myself.’ (Henry acts like a fat lady with hands out to either side waddling about) (Laughs) Man if I didn’t laugh I’d cry.
Joe: I guess that’s better than having some girl that’s clingy.
Henry: Oh man I’d take clingy any day- you wanna give me a washer?
Joe: No you don’t. There was this girl I was with who I didn’t know all that well but we started kinda hanging out a lot. So I take her out maybe once or twice and then the summers approaching. She comes up and starts talking to me about how she’ll be heading home for the summer. She starts talking about how it’s hard to do long distance but she wants to try. She says that it’s something that we’ll work through and I’m thinking, ‘we’ve just been hanging out, we’ve not done anything like holding hands, kissing or anything.’ Here she is acting like we’ve been all hot and bothered with each other for quiet some time.
Henry: Whatchew do?
Joe: I told her that I didn’t think we were even dating and she goes on to say, ‘Why did it take you so long to realize I meant so little to you?’
Henry: Ouch man.
Joe: I had only known her for like a week and a half.
Henry: Her question wasn’t a question but a statement- she was sending you a message.
Joe: Yeah the message was, “I’m a psycho, RUN!”
Henry: Well here’s one for yah- I had to get all dressed up for a weeding of a friend of mine. I get done with the wedding and run over to my youngest brother’s piano recital. I didn’t want to go but I was supposed to give him a ride home from it. So I show up and this little old lady comes and plots herself down beside me. The recital starts. I’m allergic to cats and the place that this recital is at has had a cat in there and so my eyes start watering and my nose starts running like a facet.
Joe: Yeah.
Henry: My bro gets up and plays and by the end I’m scratching my eyes and it looks like I’m balling. He’s the last one and he played ‘Moonlight Sinada” and everyone stood to applaud. After that the little old lady says, ‘Who were you here for?’ I tell her, ‘For the one that just played, he’s my brother.’ She’s quiet for a second then says to me, ‘Can I talk to you for a second?’ The people are filing out and I’m like, ‘Sure.’ So she starts talking and says, ‘Now you’re just gonna think I’m a crazy old lady.’ A part of me was thinking, ‘Yeah’ but I said, ‘Oh no, not at all, what do you wan to say?’ She proceeds to tell me, ‘Well I just got this really good feeling about you while we were sitting through the recital. I said to myself, here’s a handsome young man all dressed up here to support someone in his family and he has such a tender heart.’
Joe: Did you tell her about the allergies?
Henry: I was gonna but she just kept on talking. She then asked, ‘And so I said to myself, I wonder if he’s seeing anyone.’
Joe: No way! Granny was hitting on you- (singing) to grandmother’s house we go- alright.
Henry: No, I wish. I tell her I’m not seeing anyone and then she says, ‘Well because I have this granddaughter that needs a man like you. Would you mind taking her out on a date?’
Joe (singing): Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch.
Henry: Exactly.
Joe: So how’d it go?
Henry: I only took her out once; she was super cool, great personality, but…
Joe: But what?
Henry: She was three hundred pounds and one foot too tall for me.
Joe (laughs): Oh man.
Henry: The thing of it is I don’t understand how tiny granny’s grandkid was ginormified… (To himself he stares off in the distance and says) Those jeans must have come from her daddy.
Joe: You think her ancestry was Viking, like from one of the Nordic countries?
Henry: No I literally mean I think the jeans she was wearing were her dads- they had the name Frank written on the back pocket.
Joe: So you think had she just been shrunken down a bit it would’ve worked out between the two of you?
Henry: Well the only other problem besides being Paul Bunion’s twin sister separated at birth was the fact that she had a tramp stamp.
Joe: Tramp stamp?
Henry: Yeah you know, one of them tattoos like a bumper sticker hanging over her crack.
Joe: Yeah that's a definite deal breaker.
Henry: Whatever happened to the classic beauty- you know?
Joe: I have no idea.
Henry: I just wish she wasn’t so big- looks like we have ourselves a stripped screw on this sink.
Joe: I feel bad for the bigger girls. I feel bad for most girls in general. I’ve been heading over to this place downtown on Wednesday nights to do country swing dancing and there’s always more girls than guys. These women do their darndest to dapper themselves up and they all head out together and they’re excited and then they arrive only to find a few handfuls of guys.
Henry: Yep that’s exactly how it is.
Joe: And then when I wanna go over and ask one of them to dance I’m shooting in the dark hoping for a miracle. If the girl I choose the first time around isn’t into me then all those other girls will know they were second or third choice behind Janice or Susan.
Henry: You know that the rest of the girls will be bickering at each other for the rest to the night.
Joe: Oh I know they’ll just stand there as I walk off to dance with their friend and then they’ll verbally burn her in a fire. I can just hear it, ‘Why do they guys always ask Susan?’ ‘She’s such a slut.’ ‘The only reason they like her is cuz she’s small and blond. Guys don’t like taller brunets. ‘If he only knew what she was really like- oh he wouldn’t even try.’
Henry: Girls are viscous with each other. Can you hand me the pliers?
Joe: Here. Guys are simple to read, not complicated at all.
Henry: That’s an understatement.
Joe: If girls want to look into a guys head all they have to do is go to the local library and read ‘Green eggs and Ham’ by the rhyme-master Doctor Seuss. Guys either like something or they don’t. Every once in awhile they’ll try something they didn’t think they’d like and they’ll change their mind but in all reality ask them what they want and they’ll tell you.
Henry: And after they read that they should go on to Doctor Seuss' "Hop on Pop."